It’s tough work upholding this liberal regime, but someone has to do it — If you only get your news from reputable sources, you might be tricked into believing that California is a thriving state with the fifth-largest economy in the world. Maybe you think this place has beautiful weather, diverse people, and that it dominates industries like technology, manufacturing, entertainment, and agriculture.

When in your modern urban life do you get to dance the delicate choreography of basic human survival? — Our families have been loose acquaintances for, what, several months now? I think it’s long overdue that we all got together and spent a rustic weekend sleeping in the middle of the woods where no one can hear us scream. There’s nothing quite like leaving the urban rat race behind…

I may have left San Francisco proper, but I still got to stay in the Bay — This week in The Bold Italic, we are publishing The Californian’s Dilemma, a series that goes beyond the headlines about the “California Exodus,” featuring essays from San Franciscans about why they’re choosing to stay or leave. Check back daily for new essays. “Well, your daughter saw two dicks today,” I…

Anyone who doesn’t agree to impossible or unethical schemes is labeled the bad guy. — Inexplicably obsessed with large ships. Needs to be told, “STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH!” Loves taking vitamins and thinks they cure everything. Disappearances in public are common. Keeps repeating a nonsensical story about alien overlords and frozen space volcanoes and really needs to cool it for a second so I…

I’m going to casually slather your real estate market on my body like department store lotion samples. — What’s up, Denver! I don’t know if it’s the altitude or the weed, but I am so high right now! Oh my God, am I the first person to say that? Feel free to use it. It’s just a little sample of that famous California creativity I brought to Colorado with me in…

A look at what you could get for the price of a one-bedroom in SF — The average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco is $3,629 a month. In buyer’s terms, that works out to a monthly mortgage payment on a house that costs about $770,000, assuming you have a 20% down payment, which you don’t. Sign up for The Bold Italic newsletter to…

Our stoves and fridges are completely out of control — It’s a fact of Bay Area life that renters must contort and compromise in ways residents of other cities would balk at. Buildings are old, electrical outlets are scarce, and vacancy rates are low. The average rent of a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco is a whopping $3,629 a month…

You wouldn’t even know what to do with me if you had me — I never think about you. But you certainly think about me. On those warm, restless nights of summer, marked by furtive glances and sticky fumblings, I consume your every thought. As you trace lines of sweat from your sternum to your navel with trembling fingers, it is my own sunlit…

I’ve waited patiently to tell each of you to fuck off. — Hey Assholes, I bet you never thought this day would come. There’s a global catastrophe, and you’re bartering pills from your oral surgery for single rolls of toilet paper on Nextdoor. …